Entry: Can you bring it? Saturday, May 20, 2006

If you want a phrase to say to your parents that will drain all the colour from their cheeks, try this one for size: "Mum. I want a little brother!"

My Dad shook his head and stormed out the room, muttering the words "No more. I've told her five was too many in the first place!" My Mum carried on with her washing up pretending that she hadn't heard me. So I repeated it again. She looked me square on in the eyes.

"Look, Caroline. When you get to a certain age, it's not really possible for ladies to have any more children, as much as they would like to... and....."

"What?! I don't want one off you. I'm going to get one off the internet." What colour may have remained had completely deserted her cheeks now. Her reaction told me all I needed to know. She wanted more details.

I told her about mine and Breezy's increasingly fraught relationship and how I feel I'd missed out on experiencing proper big sisterhood because of Breezy's complete inability to take the help I give her. She never listens to me and a lot of the time I feel like she's my big sister and that's not right.

My Mum was dismayed and started talking about how I can't just pluck someone off the internet and make them a member of my family. They could be anybody and it's just not safe.

I nodded. I understood exactly what she was saying. Well, more what she wasn't saying. It was a stupid idea to just pluck someone off the internet, I needed a vetting procedure. You know, to ensure that the person I was getting was up to the job and fit to carry the Donnelly name.

So far I've drawn up a list of what I'm looking for. It states that:

  • They must be a boy. In the interests of equal opportunities I may also consider girls with short hair and very tiny boobs too.
  • Applicants must be younger than me. Although, those older and shorter than me may also be considered.
  • They must be at least 18. I want a brother and a drinking partner.
  • They must take at least one piece of my advice and follow it to the letter each day.
  • Whenver they are having any type of crisis, I must be the first person they talk to. Not their Mums, not the Ghostbusters and not their friends. From now on, I'm the first person they call.
  • Even if they don't fancy them, they must ogle my friends. It's what a daily diet of Hollyoaks and Neighbours has led me to believe about the conduct of little 'uns.
  • They must promise to do at least one thing a week with me.

That's all I can come up with for now, but if you think you're up to the challenge. Let's have it. I've also decided that I want applicants to about 100 words saying why I should choose them.

Well, what are you waiting for. Get writing. I'll be waiting here.


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